Today I got home from a much needed vacation.  After being ‘on staff’ at my church (volunteer and paid) for two years now, I took my first vacation that was more than a long weekend.  So needless to say, I was very happy to get away and enjoy some time with friends, enjoying life and thinking about nothing. 

After a week in Orlando, while I wasn’t ready to come home, I had to, so Danny (my man) and I made our way back to South Florida.  For some reason, as I approached West Palm, an hour away from home, I became overwhelmed.  I was nervous….really nervous.  This is a feeling I could not recognize right away, because it didn’t seem to have any roots.  Beginning to analyze my nervousness, figure out it’s purpose, I realized I was nervous to go back to work.  Being gone a week, I was convinced that the team that I work with had figured out exactly how to manage all that I do, do it better, and therefore have no need for me.  Before I continue, I should state that my boss has done nothing but encourage me and confirm me in my role within the ministry.  And before this moment, I have been pretty confident in my place.  So all these feelings (which I don’t cope well with to begin with) were all very strange to me.  Then I started to think harder, to try and figure out why I was so insecure.  Then it hit me.

Two years ago, I was fired from ‘my dream job.’  There is no need to go into the details, because it really was a great turning point in my life, and I know God has me exactly where He wants me.  Yet, I bring it up because the last time I went on a week long vacation, I came back to my great job and got fired. 

This brings me back to my drive home.  My mind was racing, heart was heavy, and eyes welled up with tears.  Not because I had any reason to be nervous, but because the Enemy knows my fears and insecurities, and knows exactly how to play his cards.  After all this time, I have forgiven, healed, and moved on.  This one situation, however, brought me right back to that time, those thoughts, and the reality that I am not invincible.  I honestly thought I would walk into the office tomorrow and get fired.  Which made me want to stop.  I don’t think I can handle the same situation all over again.  I don’t think my calling alone would be able to get me through the fear and heartache that would be associated with starting all over again, again.  All I wanted to do was crawl into a ball, and do nothing.  Not work, not go back, not deal with it, the rejection.  Meanwhile, all of this has no grounds for reason. 

I’m a pretty logical person, so my logic told me that these feelings were not happening because I am insecure, but because Satan is.  He’s insecure that He will loose the fight, he will loose the souls of those teens who finally proclaim Christ.  So, he wants to hold me back.  He wants to strike fear so hard in my chest that I freeze.  In a time that my heart is so burdened for students that I am willing to give it my all, the Enemy sees it and gets scared.  I am learning that when my fears begin to hold me back, it is less of a negative reflection of who I am, and more of a positive reflection of who I am, that is simply putting Lucifer himself on the offense.  He wants me to stop, he wants me to hold back, he wants me to live in fear.  The problem with that is, I won’t.  If my God is for me, who could be against me?

So the emotional drive home was weird, both for me and Danny.  But it was also a bit of a motivator.  I will not slow down, for there are way too many students who don’t know my God yet, and I don’t like that one bit.